Our Indooroopilly- Some choice One-liners. Suggest some more! Email

Kids are everywhere- they're OVERHEADS and UNDERFEET

It was so cold... When we spoke, our words came out as blocks of ice and we had to fry them to understand what we were trying to say.

It was so dry, the Council had to close two lanes of the municipal swimming pool.

When arguing with a fool, make sure he's not doing the same thing.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Tomorrow is a great labour-saving device.

There are three kinds of mathematicians- those who CAN count and those who CAN'T.

All generalisations are false including this one.

Life is what happens to us when we are making other plans.

If you think life's a joke consider the punchline.

Life, we'll never get out of it alive.

Money doesn't bring happiness. People with 10 million are no happier than people with 9.

Money isn't everything; it isn't even enough.

Last year our Company was on the edge of a precipice. But this year we've made a great leap forward.

You don't have a complex at all. Actually you are inferior.

A clever woman is one who knows how to give a man her own way.

When God created man she was only joking.

The only difference between men and pigs is that drinking pigs don't make men of themselves.

Under communism it's Dog eat Dog; under capitalism it's the reverse.

A well-balanced Aussie has a chip on both shoulders.

What's a typical Aussie's 7-course meal? A pie and a 6-pack.

You are the kind of chap who has plenty to be modest about.

You can bring a feeling of joy and happiness into room by simply leaving it.

You have often been described as a pain in the neck. I have a lower opinion.

You are a man who brings happiness whenever you go.

He was so dumb it was written all over his face and even then it was spelt wrong.

He reminds me of a beer bottle. Empty from the neck up.

His mouth is so big he can whisper in his own ear.

He's useless, he has absolutely nothing and even very little of that.

The difference between you and a shopping trolley... It has a mind of its own.

When he was born he was so ugly the doctor slapped his mother.

He was an only child and still not his mother's favourite.

A parrot in a raincoat has got to be polyunsaturated.

Badminton- that's why the lamb tasted off.

He's a member of the effluent society, one of the stinking rich.

He's known as a light drinker. As soon as it's light he starts to drink.

Go into a bar optimistically and leave misty optically.

Wine improves with age. The older I get the more I like it.

You can tell the town drunk by the rust on his fly.

I drink to forget but I've forgotten why.

There's terrible beer in that pub. I'll be glad when I've had enough.

I know I'm drunk when I feel sophisticated but can't pronounce it.

What you say to a barman... "I've got an attack of the Yaws". "What's Yaws?" A double scotch, thanks."

He used to be an all-round athlete. Now he's just all-round.

Now I know why they call it golf. All the other 4-letter words have been used up.

My golf is improving. Yesterday I hit a ball in one.

When I play golf, I wear two pairs of pants in case I get a hole in one.

You get first-hand knowledge from a second-hand car.

Time flies like bullets. Fruit flies like bananas.

Just when you can stand your kids, they can't stand you.

My son is going through the awkward age of changing from a hooligan to a layabout.

I keep telling my wife I like her mother-in-law better than mine.

I always thought I was a failure until they taught me to be positive. Now I'm positive I'm a failure.

A man has a birthday and takes a day off. A woman takes a year off.

Old Pop remembers the time when beer was threepence a loaf.

You know you're getting old when you tie your shoelaces and try to think of anything else useful you could be doing when you're down there.

Uncle Fred lived to a hundred and owed it all to mushrooms... he never ate any.

What's a geriatric? A German cricketer who takes 3 wickets in succession.

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

You know a girl is growing up when her voice changes from No to Yes.

He always has the last word in an argument with his wife. It's "Yes darling".

He was so henpecked, he had to wash and iron his own apron.

It was time to tell the wife who was boss. So I said "You're the boss".

90% of husbands give the other 10% a bad name.

What are shins? Instruments for finding furniture in the dark.

If we aren't meant to be eating animals, why are they made with meat?

Lotto is a tax on people who are bad at math.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends. But you can't wipe your friends on the couch.

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.

Just when you think, "Life's a bitch", it has puppies.

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking.

The secret to success is sincerity. And if you can fake that, you're made.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How do you know when yogurt goes bad?

There are two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

School... The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

The easiest way to refold a road map is differently.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce."--Don Quinn

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A computer scientist is someone who, when told to 'Go to Hell', sees the 'go to', rather than the destination, as harmful.

Eat this way. Exercise that way. Die anyway.

I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

School... There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.- Catherine Aird

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.

And on the eighth day God said, "O.K. Murphy. You take over."

There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - Golda Meir

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Australians are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

When it comes to two evils, choose the one you haven't tried before.

I went to school to become a wit. Only got halfway through...

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. - Oscar Wilde

Semper Gumby (always flexible)

Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet.

I wish life had an UNDO function.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

I never make the same mistake twice--I'm too busy making new ones.

My mother: A travel agent for guilt trips.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

There are three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet...

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

Mirrors don't talk, and luckily for you they don't laugh either

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Winston, you are drunk. - Lady Astor - Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober - Winston Churchill

What is a dyslexic agnostic insomniac? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

You know it's going to be a bad day when your horn goes off accidently and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.