Some good 'uns we have happened across...
Many of the jokes below thanks to Joke of the Day put out by the
Humour Network
Subject: Is Hell exothermic or endothermic?
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Fun with Telemarketers
-- If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, as them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
-- This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
-- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either, now you know how it feels!"
-- Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
-- Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
-- Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
-- Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
The Lighter Side of Zen
1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
2. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
4. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
A father took his daughter for a drive every Sunday morning. One Sunday, he felt too ill so his wife took over the job. When they arrived back, the little girl rushed up to the bedroom and called out "Daddy, Daddy, I'm back!". The father asked how she enjoyed the drive. "Oh, it was great!", she said, "and we didn't even see any bastards!"
THINGS IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21
10. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
11. Your friends love you anyway
12. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
13. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says, "Grandpa!
Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?"
The Grandpa says, "I Don't Know, Why?"
The Little Boy Says, "Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak,
We Can Go To Disneyland!"
George Carlin
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of
'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?
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Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We
have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
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Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say,
'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel
your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give
me your hand...It won't be long now..."
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Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way,
do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where
she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
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Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean,
life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You
go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off
as a gleam.
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Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it
right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the
love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop
sharing the love."
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the
same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.
They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him:
"Get out of our lives you rascal.
We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
A man hasn't been feeling well so he goes to his doctor for a
complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're
dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what?
Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..." "Eight..." "Seven..."
A programmer and an engineer
are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then, you ask me a question. If I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The programmer, by now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the engineer's attention and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the programmer. Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The programmer looks at him, puzzled. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends email to all of his coworkers -- all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away, to try to get back to sleep.
The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5 and turns away, to get back to sleep.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
The earth was attacked last night
by an invasion fleet
from halfway across the galaxy; luckily, a fatal
miscalculation of scale resulted in the entire armada
being eaten by a small dog.
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend
with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."
Some Things Never Change . . .
God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.
And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.
Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him.
"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said,"I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Aftertaste
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Spelling- who needs it
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called
911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone
out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the
end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell
that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
A plane was taking off
from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should
see the back of mine!"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
An elderly couple has dinner
at another couple's house and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen are talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friends replies, "A carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns?" His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, yes that's it. Thank you !" ..the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
A young couple were on their honeymoon.
The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom.
He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Wait, let me guess... you've eaten my socks!"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Getting The Right Address.
A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was a little peeved, and he called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Priorities.
A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife dressed in a sexy little nightie. "Tie me up," she purrs, "and you can do anything you want." So he ties her up and goes out for a round of golf.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Bias.
A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Gender of non-living things
What Gender is it ?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
For example:
Copiers – Female
They are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire – Male
because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
Hot Air Balloon – Male
because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Subway – Male
because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass – Female
because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer – Male
because it hasn't changed much over the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Singing wife
Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing? "Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Transformation
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Quick Thinking...
Mike and Bill were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered the lobby.
Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.
Just before the thieves got to the pair, Bill turned to Mike and passed him a $20 saying: "By the way Mike, here's that money I owe you."
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)
Four Animals
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would those be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
(Thanks to Joke of the Day)